All through college, while my friends commented on how they wouldn't work after they started birthing babies, I would reply with my "My Mom worked. So I plan to work. I don't think it'll be a big deal."
Then my mom waits until I have kids (or maybe I just never really asked, I just assumed) that she barely worked when the 3 of us were growing up. "Oh yeah, I was a part time RN. I was actually home with y'all alot. You just remember me working because I started working more full time as y'all become more independent." May I point out that full-time for a nurse still leave 4 days open. Things that are good to take into account when you make life decisions - right? Well, apparentely I didn't really think it all out like that.
This time last year I was getting ready to be home with my child for 12 whole weeks. (That's right, my little man will be 1 very soon!) And at the end of 12 weeks I came back to work and remembered why I love the challenges of work - the whole adult interaction (because I am exiled to the country otherwise).
But in March I accepted some new responsbilities - some of which I was excited about, some not so much. Whatev... that's life in career world. "Hey! You could probably handle that," - or "Would you be interested in fill-in-the-blank?" Or my personal favorite, "I think you'd be really great at it." "Oh, you will!? Good. Because I need you to do that too (translation: that was really your only option.)." I'm all up for learning and growing, but the new challenges have left me with this giant question sitting on my chest -
Where do I want to go from here?
Up, down, sideways? What do I want to be good at? Do I need to go back to school to gain some street cred? If I was to look down my career path right now, I couldn't tell you where it was going. It's becoming a position of jack-of-all-trades, master to few. Honestly, right now I feel like I'm staring aimlessly at a dead end wondering where I missed my turn.
Mostly, the answer is home. And I don't mean stay-at-home because I think that through all the time. (Though I am the only one of my mom friends who works). But I do mean home more often - or longer. Maybe its not my time to save the world with my amazing hair-brained thinking or blunt-yet-professional tongue (as it has been called lately). I am starting to think that my heart is telling me to put that on hold and stop putting the pressure on myself. Be ok with where I am. At a place where I can take a day off to trudge across the sand dunes with an overstuffed wagon and a kid on each arm. Or I can actually play with my kids before I drop them off with the sweet lady around the corner.
It's not giving up on a dream or lifestyle. It's giving in to all the amazing things that are already right here in front of me.